To Forget, What Bliss

Picture Prompt Day 21 - Something you wish you could forget

     When I think of all the missteps I've made when interacting with others, it's sad that I can't narrow this down to one event.  There is so much that I regret and so often I will wander around with the nagging feeling I've done something wrong, that there is something I should be ashamed of, even when I am sure I've made no huge social blunder that day.  I was happy to see danisnotonfire's video, Cringe Attack, the other day, where he talks about his own experiences of randomly reliving horrific mistakes he's made and the cringes and faces he makes when reliving the events.
     One instance that still bothers me and is on my "I would go back in time to change this and therefore my life" list happened in early eighth grade.  I had seen someone I admired with a pencil stuck in their ponytail or bun, so that became my go to hairstyle (and it was vary handy, I always had something to jot down ideas and homework lists with).  My middle school was shaped like an 'H' with another crossbar at the bottom for the counseling center, front office, and lockers.  The main crossbar on the 'H' was also full of lockers and where the 'cool kids' hung out between classes, making it extremely difficult to navigate so I avoided it almost all the time, except for this one day.  
     For a reason I can't remember I broke pattern and headed down the short but packed hallway, dodging all sorts of people, pencil tucked firmly in my ponytail, when all of a sudden I felt the pencil pulled out.  I whirled around and saw one of the most popular boys (and he was one of the handsome ones and boy did I have a crush on him at the time) holding my pencil.  I wish so bad I could have changed my facial expression because the annoyance I felt came across as something sinister and he immediately gave my pencil back with profuse apologies.  He meant it in jest and the instant I turned around I knew any possibility of being his friend was gone and I regretted it.  If it was any of the other popular people I would have been happy for the fear, I wanted nothing to do with their shallowness, but he had been kind to me and talked to me in some of our other classes and had an awareness of others that the other kids lacked.  If I had laughed or smiled as I turned around, instead of resorting to anger, I think I would have made more friends, been more accepted, learned to feel more comfortable when interacting with others, opened me up to a whole new circle of school friends, and changed my life completely.
     This is one of the key moments I will find attacking me with a cringe on a regular basis.  I can still feel the slide of the smooth pencil against my scalp, the press of other students against my back, the instant stab of regret and shame, the awkward smile I offered in vain.  Why is anger my default?  Why do I feel the need to constantly defend myself?  I guess that's what therapists are for.